Things you never want to hear voldemort say
by Questioning Destiny
Summary: title kind of says it all, I say this in an email once... so I decided to post it, and I'll be adding to it later. QD
1. Run for the hills

**44 things we'll never hear voldemort say**

1. Hey Lucius, look how far I can shove a French fry up my nose!

2. I... I keep seeing beavers! They're everywhere! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs into wall)

3. (To Harry) Hello. My name is Lord Voldemort. I killed your father. Prepare to die.

4. (Crying) I- I never wanted to be evil I wanted to be a-A BRITNEY SPEARS BACKUP DANCER!!!

5. I like eggs!

6. Everyone I am a woman.

7. Snape, I want you. 

8. (Sadly) I'm a maniac, maniac. On the floor. I am dancing like I never danced before.

9. I JUST WANT TO LOVE!

10. Yes, Harry. I killed your parents. How does that make you feel?

11. Oh my god, Snapey, you're, like, the best crony EVER!

12. Wait am I part Spanish? You know I just might be. Look at my name--Vol-duh-mort-tuh--how Spanish is that?"

13. We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

14. Super Duper!

15. You're, like, so going to die and burn in hell! Avada Kedevra!

16. You are the weakest link

17. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts

18. (To Donald Trump) Nooooo you're fired! Avada Kedevra!

19. Death Eaters, as you know, Nagini died. So I got a new pet This is Allen. He's a Lobster! YAYYYYYY LOBSTERS!

20. Hi.

21. For Halloween, I think Ill be me.

22. (As a child) Mr. Dumbledore, when I grow up, I want to be just like you!

23. (Silence)

24. (To death Eaters) Ya know what, guys? I've decided to give you a break! So (rips off robes) PAJAMA PARTY!!!!!!!! 

25. Pass it to your neighbor,  
Instead of blowing up,  
And well find love and harmony in a SNAP CUP!

26. Ya know what? I like you. Here's my E-mail: MildlydepressedcontrolfreakwhohasspentmorethanhalfhislifeintherapyAOL 

27. I never wanted this job anyway! I wanted to be a lumberjack! PANCAKES!!!

28. Foshizzle my nizzle!

29. Oh gosh! I won the entire care bears collection! I LOVE YOU, EBAY!!!! 

30. Vote for Pedro!

31. You've got mail!

32. (Crying) he was a skater boy she said see ya later, boy, he wasn't good enough for her (sobs)

33. If I had a dollar every time I heard that, I would have a dollar!

34. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH who lives in a pineapple under the sea? 

35. Snape: how are you going to defeat the potter boy, sir?   
Voldemort: However I feel like defeating him, gosh!

36. I'm melting! I'm melting!

37. Boo.

38. Richard Simmons is my hero!

39. Where the hell is my bra?

40. One does not simply walk into Hogwarts. We need an army with ninjas and lobsters NINJA LOBSTERS!

41. Voldemort: Hey Snape, I need some help  
Snape: And you just made this revelation now?

42. I've decided to quit being Lord Voldemort and Become(puts on a mask) THE PHANTOM OF THE RIDDLE HOUSE!!!!!

43. All right, someone stole my underwear. I will turn around, count to 3, and they had better be back. And mark my words; if one sequin is out of place, I'm cracking skulls!

44. (running away from Harry) He's after me lucky charms!


	2. more things you never wanted to hear

Joke 2.0

**A few more things you wish you never heard voldemort say**

45. Booustia, LIFT AND SEPPERATE!

46. Snape, you look just cute in pink

47. (says to death eaters) Everybody I have an announcement, Dumbledor and I are running away together.

48. (Smack) OOOOHHHH You just got bitch slapped!

49. (Sings) I a lumberjack and that's okay…

50. Harry, **I am** your father

51. WHO'S YOUR DADDY!?!

52. I'm telling you, Ginny came on to me!

53. (To Death Eaters) Wha'dup girlfriends?

54. (singing) I've got cabin fever.

55. (singing) I've got a lovely bunch of cocoanuts, doodly-le-do

56. Lollipop!

57. Is it weird that I see little green men?

58. (to death eaters) Let's play shoots and ladders!

59. No fare! You cheated, that's my job!


	3. MORE things you never want V to say

MORE THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR VOLDEMORT SAY!!!

60. (sings) I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.

61. voldemort: what would a veggie vampire say?  
harry: I don't know what?  
Voldemort: I want to suck your spud.

62. (while on his cell phone) Can you hear me now?

63. If I can do it, so can you! (voldemort dances in a pink tutu while singing/dancing to the can-can)

64. (yelling) ALRIGHT WHO PUT EX-LAX IN MY CHOCOLATE SHAKE???

65. MUST HAVE SSSUUUUUUGGGGGGGAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR

66. (sitting in his lazyboy chugging a beer when he suddenly stands and shouts) SQUEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAL OF FORTUNE!!!!

67. (watching Harry from far away, while rubbing his hands together) MY PRECIOUS...  
(Lucius) You've got to be kidding me.

68. (sings) I-I like big butts and I cannot lie...

69. I wanna be a power puff girl!

70. I WANNA PONY FOR CHRISTMAS!

71. pink is the bestest, most perfect color.

72. LIKE. OMG! Are you wearing MY make up?

73. PIE!

74. I LIIIIIIIIKE YOU

75. I KNOW what YOU did last summer... No, really, I... I do...

76. Bite me.

77. Jus because I do evil things, it doesn't make me a bad person, does it?

78. (sings) You love me, I love you...

79. Harry to Voldemort: PLEASE tell me that a banana in your pocket!  
Voldemort: Nope.

80. Care bears make me happy!

81. Time for telbubbies!!!

82. OoO A PENNY!

83. You know what duct tape is good for? BONDAGE!!! Who wants to play?

84. (whining) Why does Harry always have to foil my plans?  
Snape: Do you want some cheese with that wine?


	4. Chapter 4

These just get more and more stupid…. Oh well, I don't really care.

85. Oh! Something SHINY!

86. I'm sorry guys I just can't do this any more. (BANG!)  
snape: does he even know he missed his own head?

87. I am so fucked.

88. I want my mommy!

89. Lucius, can I braid your hair? Its just so pretty.

90. this is so totally lame

91. just so you guys know, I like totally support yoai. I even spend time on weekends at yoai coventions.

92. I'm not really Voldemort, the real voldemort died years ago, I'm actually his nephew.

93. Donald Trump stole my hair do!

94. has anybody ever really noticed that Filch's face looks like a mandrake?

95. fuck ME! YES...! YES!

96. that is so not kosher

97. I'm the new and improved representive for burger king.

98. ummm…. Dumbledore, why are you trying to kill Harry? That's kind of my job.


End file.
